Oh God John, no. NO. Fight it. FIGHT IT. We worked on this in our "Yoga For Pretentious Douchebags" seminar. https://t.co/1lRaPC3yBC
Unless you're fusing them into bird claws in the process of becoming my unholy Falcon-Man Of The Night I don't care. https://t.co/FtTBjWWdSZ
SHUT UP JOHN LURIE THAT'S WHY https://t.co/vB7kuzoVMg
We;re getting there. Keep cool, you old perv. https://t.co/qp5aESiIoc
No. Brian. NO. Tell your wife to make you some warm milk and go to bed. This is another 96-hour Red Vines bender. https://t.co/Gp6TcuiVfN

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Thu, May 19


YOUNGSTOWN, OHIO AND PITTSBURGH, PA: SOAP FOR METH

@ 12:00 AM

  

Who is peeing on the library books at the Cahokia Library?

That was the lead story on the local news when I checked into my hotel room here in Youngstown, Ohio ("More Depressing Than Akron!") for a fabulous two night run at the Funny Farm.

People who piss and moan about living in Los Angeles need to book themselves at comedy clubs out here in abandoned steel towns where even the Mafia left out of boredom. Actually, that's pretty mean. No, wait, it's not. I walked down to the gas station to buy a bar of soap earlier, and the girl at the counter said all the soap had been shoplifted that day.

"For real?" I asked.

"Oh, they do it all the time. They cut it up into little chunks, and sell it as counterfeit meth."

I said, "Doesn't that get them killed?"

"Yeah, lots. There's stories about it on the news all the time."

Hoo boy.

The girl from the club, who picked me up at the Pittsburgh Airport (which, despite my horrible time there two years ago, has a really nice airport and an awesome downtown) managed to ding someone's headlight when we were pulling out of the Chinese restaurant's parking lot across the street from the club. The police officer who showed up took down my name as a witness on the accident report. I said I was Dustin Diamond. I hope they don't subpoena him.

But seriously, someone really is peeing on library books here in Ohio. And they're not checking them out, peeing on them at home, and bringing them back. They're actually walking the stacks (most of the incidents have occurred in Adult Non-Fiction) and watering the petunias.

I should e-mail David Goyer. I have the plot to the BATMAN BEGINS sequel.

My poor digital camera finally broke when I checked into the room. Almost like it killed itself rather than photograph the approaching weekend. We'll see. Maybe it won't be so bad.

Tomorrow: morning radio, and me not seeing the new STAR WARS movie in the afternoon.


 
 
   
   
   
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