"I could make a MUCH nicer totem pole of dead bodies..." Martha Stewart, watching the opening of tonight's @NBCHannibal
RT @Flanazon: @pattonoswalt Do you remember this gem? I can't wait to read it. ;-) #giantwomen http://t.co/WLlaCAaWWV
RT @scottEweinberg: Please don't start listing funny women. Jerry Lewis is feeble-minded.
James Bond will return in SERIOUSLY, MY BALLS STILL HURT FROM THAT CASINO ROYALE ROPE-TORTURE BUSINESS.
What's this about Jerry Lewis saying women aren't fleeben flayvin hoygle blev (dies)?

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Sun, Aug 05


I WILL PROGRAM A MONTH IN HEAVEN FOR YOU, SHERMAN TORGAN

@ 1:06 PM

Sherman Torgan, the owner and programmer of the New Beverly Cinema, died last month. 

He's a major reason for what little success I've had so far in this business.

I don't know the particulars of his life -- the curious can go over to the New Beverly Cinema's MySpace page and get them.

All I know is, when I moved to Los Angeles in May of 1995, the New Beverly was a cool, dark continent of then-forgotten history.   It was Saturday, May 20th -- blazing and white outside on Beverly Boulevard.  I watched a double feature of Ace in the Hole and Sunset Boulevard.   Ace in the Hole just came out on a deluxe Criterion DVD.  Thanks to people like Sherman Torgan, "NOT AVAILABLE ON DVD" will quickly go the way of phrases like, "Who's Michael Reeves?" and "I've never seen El Topo or Blast of Silence -- are they good?"

I now have a supremely fun job as a consultant at a major studio.    I go in a few days a month, look over their projects in development, and tweak story, character, and landscape.   It's a profane amount of money for playing, "What if?"   Everyone I work for thinks I'm some sort of savant, with all the film and pop culture history I've got stomped into my bumpy skull.

Thank you, Sherman Torgan.   Between 1995 and 1999, I spent every night I WASN'T doing stand-up sitting in those spine-tweaking seats of yours, devouring movies.   Every film I'd read about in Roger Ebert's Movie Guides, and in Jonathan Rosenbaum and J. Hoberman's MIDNIGHT MOVIES, Sherman unspooled before my suburbanite eyes.   That's why I know the title fonts of The Road Warrior and Race with the Devil are the same.   That's why I can say sage-ful things like, "If we're going to do this sword fight right, then your animators should watch Scaramouche, and Captain Blood, and The Duellists," with conviction.  

Thank you, Sherman Torgan.  After my four years at the New Beverly Film School, Sherman gently pushed me out into the world.  "I think you've graduated," he actually said to me, as I bought tickets for Aguirre, the Wrath of God on Sunday, April 18th, 1999.   "I thought you'd be giving me a screenplay to read by now."   Stunned but also weirdly energized, I watched Werner Herzog's crazed paean to fascist nation-building, went home, and started writing. 

Thank you, Sherman Torgan, for letting me experience, in your theater:

::  Lawrence Tierney, wandering into the middle of a screening of Citizen Kane, watching twenty minutes of it, then heaving himself to his feet and muttering, "I ain't never seen that cocksucker.  Not half bad."

::  The collective gasp of the audience at the end of The Searchers -- something I'd love, for once, to create in an audience watching a film I wrote or directed.

::  The laughter of disbelief during The Miracle of Morgan's Creek, as an audience of twenty-something hipsters realized that "too far" is where comedy should ALWAYS be.

::  The film breaking during the "Here's looking at you, kid" speech in Casablanca, and the audience laughing at the absurdity of it, and then whistling "As Time Goes By" in the dark while the film got fixed.

::  The explosion of applause when Peter Sellers makes his first appearance as Dr. Strangelove.

::  Having my expectations about two seminal, nearly-cliched foreign films exploded when I finally saw them:  Breathless (boring) and The Seventh Seal (genuinely, weirdly funny).   I really thought it'd be the other way around.

Sherman died of a heart attack while bicycling.   I'd hoped he would have died in a shootout with gangsters, or poisoned by a femme fatale, or simply walking into the hazy distance, seen through a darkened doorway.   But life is not a movie.   Which, I guess, is why we see them.

But by watching and loving movies for so long, perhaps Sherman built an eternal movie palace in his soul.    And maybe he's there now, eating that amazing New Beverly popcorn, and sipping a Coke, and watching the movies that great directors dreamed of making, or made and saw devoured by time and entropy, or were in the process of planning when, as it so often happens in Hollywood, things fell apart.  

So, as a tribute, here's the August schedule at The Torgan, somewhere between the winds:


August 1st and 2nd

A Confederacy of Dunces
dir: Hal Ashby
(w/ John Belushi, Richard Pryor, Warren Oates and Lily Tomlin)
Blood Meridian
dir: Terrence Malick
(w/ Gene Hackman, Robby Benson and Marlon Brando)



August 3rd and 4th

Stalingrad (1988)
dir: Sergio Leone



August 5th, 6th and 7th
Orson Welles Double Feature!

Heart of Darkness (1942)
and
Batman: Riddle of the Ghoul (1944)



August 8th and 9th

Weeping Blade, Laughing Bullet
dir:  Seijun Suzuki

Whisper of Panic
dir: Allen Baron



August 10th and 11th
Irene Dunne Double Feature!

Ride a Cockhorse
and
Emma



August 12th and 13th
Kenneth Anger Double Feature!
On the Road
and
The Ticket That Exploded
(w/ James Dean and Sal Mineo)



August 14th
Grindhouse Double Feature!

Space Jockey
dir:  Forrest Tucker (1952)
Billy Jack vs. Blacula
dir:  Melvin Van Peebles and Tom Laughlin (1977)



August 15th and 16th

Superman
dir:  Sam Peckinpah
Doctor Strange
dir:  Francis Ford Coppola
(…yes, at one point in the 70's, each of these properties was being developed by their respective directors.  Wow!)



August 17th and 18th
Disney Double Feature!

Half Magic
and
The Phantom Tollbooth



August 19th, 20th and 21st

Jerry Lewis Double Feature!

The Day the Clown Cried
and
Catcher in the Rye



August 22nd and 23rd
Michael Reeves Double Feature!

The Wasp Factory
and
The Land of Laughs



August 24th and 25th
Russ Meyer Double Feature!

Jaws of the Vixen
and
Mmmmmmmounds!



August 26th, 27th and 28th
Hitchcock Double Feature!

The Boy Who Followed Ripley
and
I Was Dora Suarez



August 29th and 30th
Buster Keaton Double Feature!

Hassle Magnet
and
Masters of Atlantis



August 31st and September 1st
Scorsese Double Feature!

The Moviegoer (1978)
(starring John Cazale)
The Hawkline Monster (1974)
(starring Robert DeNiro and Harvey Keitel)




OH DEAR GOD (4:54 p.m. PST):  I posted this same blog over on my MySpace page.  I've never had to delete so many comments to save people looking stupid, so I figure, who not nip it in the bud here?

NONE OF THESE FILMS EXIST.  Except for SPACE JOCKEY (maybe) and THE DAY THE CLOWN CRIED (filmed but incomplete) these movies exist only in the fevered imaginations of film nerds and, at times, the directors who could've made them.   This is a roll call of the never-weres (BILLY JACK vs. BLACULA), the could-have-beens (Peckinpah's SUPERMAN) and the "lost" (JOCKEY and CLOWN).

Although, the ignorant comments over on the MySpace page -- and I've already deleted them -- were a living testament to how badly we need places like The New Beverly.





Post Comment
 

Posted by: Jeff @ 3:47 PM on 8.05.2007
That is an amazing lineup.

 
 
Posted by: Steve @ 9:29 AM on 8.06.2007
Damn! I think I'd give about anything to see both Space Jockey, dir: Forrest Tucker (1952)and Billy Jack vs. Blacula dir: Melvin Van Peebles and Tom Laughlin (1977)

By the way, legend has it that Jerry Lewis owns the only known print of "The Clown That Cried" and that it's in a vault somewhere. Too bad. It looked like a laugh-a-minute-romp through a Nazi death camp---the high water mark being the wacky cream pie fight between Jerry and the butcher of Buchenwald.

 
 
Posted by: Ben @ 12:59 PM on 8.06.2007
Hi Patton - wasn't sure how to contact you. But I run a speaker series at USC Film School and was wondering if you'd be interested in coming in to talk to a bunch of students paying far too much money on their education. Please e-mail me (bfast@usc.edu) if you're interested! Love your writing/acting/performing.
-b

 
 
Posted by: Phil Nelson @ 2:11 PM on 8.06.2007
Another bit of sad you-related news, Carvel Ice Cream Store May Be Razed.

 
 
Posted by: john ross bowie @ 2:50 PM on 8.06.2007
Hal ashby directing dunces.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, that's an amazing idea. I'm all teary.

My favorite New Bev experience is moving here from NYC with my wife and seeing a double feature of Manhattan and Annie Hall that same month. TERRIBLE idea, but I fell in love with that building from the get go.

Also, I recall seeing one eyed jacks and sitting behind Clu Gulager. HE'S A KILLER!

 
 
Posted by: Martin @ 3:16 PM on 8.06.2007
The Wasp Factory. Such a great novel. Would you please write the script?

 
 
Posted by: Adam @ 3:37 PM on 8.06.2007
Didn't Kubrick try forever to do "Napolean" too? I'll take a a Kubrick/Leone "Napolean" double feature.

 
 
Posted by: Brennan @ 4:49 PM on 8.06.2007
this is my imitation of one of the myspace comments Patton deleted: "Your list should have Scorsese directing Lethal Weapon 4, that would ROCK!!!"

 
 
Posted by: Cotton @ 5:39 PM on 8.06.2007
that's why I come here instead of myspace to read this stuff. Not sure what I'm missing over there, though, which is depressing.

Posted by: techahead @ 9:18 AM on 9.07.2012
God bless the soul of Sherman Torgan
 

 
 
Posted by: Jeremy Henderson @ 10:43 PM on 8.06.2007
Yay! I win!

In the films that never (but almost ) were department, one of my favorites is the original planned version of Tora! Tora Tora!, which would have featured Kurosawa directing the sections of the film told from the Japanese perspective. Kurosawa agreed to the project because he'd been told that the American sections would be directed by David Lean, which turned out to be a lie. Since he couldn't quit the project without paying a hefty fine for contract default, Kurosawa got himself fired from the film by PRETENDING TO BE INSANE (at one point he spent two weeks filming nothing but scenery).

A Kurosawa/Lean WWII epic would be the awesomest movie ever.

 
 
Posted by: Brett @ 6:31 AM on 8.07.2007
I'm sure there's a Phantom Tollbooth movie.

 
 
Posted by: jody @ 11:09 AM on 8.07.2007
my buddy and I figured only animation
could do justice to Masters but you as usual are on to something.I take it you see Keaton as Jimmerson
now please flesh out who youd pick for Popper and Hen.
did ya know they made a film of Norwood in 1970 with Glen Campbell Kim Darby and Joe Namath?!
I quiver and quake at your briliance

 
 
Posted by: Heather @ 7:55 PM on 8.07.2007
You are a genius, Patton. Your faux titles looked *just* believable enough that I nearly fell for it, too... I was just about to run over to imdb for about 2 hours...thanks for saving me that time. I love your work and it's been fun seeing your recent rocketride -- come on, Disney. That's a rocketride. Good show.

 
 
Posted by: Aaron @ 8:26 PM on 8.07.2007
I drooled at reading the "woulda-coulda-shoulda been's" anybody who crapped themselves thinking those movies were real needs a serious kick in the balls

 
 
Posted by: matt christman @ 12:50 AM on 8.08.2007
Was Terence Malick really attached to Blood Meridian? A friend of mine just read Blood Meridian, and as we talked about how amazing it is, I mentioned that Ridley Scott (ugh!) was attached to a possible film version, and we both agreed that Malick is the only American director with any chance at making it work. As for Brando, after "Apocaplyse Now," I just don't think his Judge Holden would have been credible.

 
 
Posted by: Bertold Brecht @ 12:38 PM on 8.08.2007
The other day a friend of mine said, "Why should I bother going to a movie theatre - pay 12 bucks for a ticket - when I can just download a DVDrip of the screener?"

Sigh.

Patton, I hope in the future I'll be able to see something you've written and directed. And I hope it's a stark, gritty Dassin-like crime flick.

We need a new comedian turned excellent filmmaker. Allen and Brooks aren’t making it for me anymore. I got my hopes up with Match Point, and then...Scoop. ...Takeshi Kitano…but I’ve never seen a single one of his routines...and Japanese comedy isn’t...well, whatever.


 
 
Posted by: Kristi @ 7:54 PM on 8.08.2007
Oh, thank God. I read the title "Confedarcy of Dunces" and my head almost exploded. Glad to know it's not always me that's the ignoramus.

 
 
Posted by: Steven @ 11:29 AM on 8.09.2007
What's wrong with people looking stupid?

 
 
Posted by: Nowak @ 5:46 PM on 8.09.2007
Fuck, Patton, man... I ended up in Sterling, VA about 20 years too late. We shoulda been playing D&D together in high school, and talking about things like this.

 
 
Posted by: Sara @ 9:09 PM on 8.09.2007
Sweet Jebus, if there was a Billy jack vs. Blacula, I'd be watching it right now. This list is semi-cruel; it's filled with fake movies that I want to see.

 
 
 
 
 
   
   
   
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