Mon, Mar 17
PATTON''S BARGAIN BLURB BASEMENT
@ 5:21 PMI just wrote yet another blurb for a friend's forthcoming book. So far, I've only blurbed books I've actually read and enjoyed.
But I'm facing down four or five months of constant travel, film acting work, and writing under deadline. I don't think I'm going to have time to honor any forthcoming blurb or review requests.
Until then, please feel free to use any of the following all-purpose blurbs:
"A delicious mocha-swirl of Wallace Stevens, Judy Blume and Tom Clancy!"
"Jesus brain-raping Christ, I loved these Christmas poems!"
"A literal roller-coaster ride!"
"Haunting...literally!"
"Black type-set words printed on white paper...literally!"
"Staten Island is bitterly cold, bleak, and 100% attraction-free! A must!"
"Manages to evoke the British defeat at Ticonderoga, the stench of rotted crab legs, and Robert Loggia's voice!"
"Passably competent!"
"I'm yelling at nothing while I write this! Here what it sounds like: Blaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhh!"
"Why? Dear God, WHY?!?"
| There are 61 comments on this post | |
| Posted by: Tami Damiano @ 5:03 PM on 7.16.2008 | |
| Holy Crap - someone just forwarded me your graduation speech, and having grown up about 45 minutes from you (Laurel HS, Class of '87) I found the Waxie Maxie/Greaseman/Arch Campbell references hilarious. But what an amazing speech as well. And I love the book blurbs, too. BIG NEW FAN. Sorry, I have nothing funny to add to this...shoehorn...how's that? Yeah, that's what I figured. I'll leave the comedy to you. |
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| Posted by: brian czapko @ 5:53 AM on 7.04.2008 | |
| Patton, you are a fucking maniacal genius. I've always loved your work. The first thing I ever heard by you was a rant on coloring easter eggs and I was hooked. I just recently bought your comedy album and was pissing myself at Dukes of Hazzard. Come to Chicago soon Bro. | |
| Posted by: Travis @ 12:40 AM on 7.04.2008 | |
| Could you please do another show in Vancouver Canada, next year. At your last show I laughed so hard my right testicle actually riped through my scrotum. A team of doctors and a angry drunken Hobo have finally reattached Rupert-->"my right testicle". The doctors and the Hobo have confirmed that I should have no problems seeing your next show. | |
| Posted by: Bob Dole's ring finger @ 7:58 AM on 5.31.2008 | |
| What this country needs is a 5 cent cigar and Condoleeza Rice joining the KISS Army!!! | |
| Posted by: Mary @ 1:52 PM on 5.26.2008 | |
| You are so funny! I read a comment in the other comment section where someone said you and Gary Valentine should have your own show. It's true, you and he had great on screen chemistry and were the truly funny ones. I loved that show, I miss seeing you on it! Hope to see you again on tv...until then, we'll catch you at some of your shows in Los Angeles! |
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| Posted by: Ben @ 1:02 PM on 5.24.2008 | |
| ZOMBIES! http://www.cracked.com/article_15643_5-scientific-reasons-zombie-apocalypse-could-actually-happen.html |
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| Posted by: Bon @ 1:11 AM on 5.24.2008 | |
| Patton, thank you for this timesaver! And how thoughtful of you to make them all equally applicable to my novel-in-progress. You're one of the things that's kept me going through six complete rewrites. Every time I wonder if what I am writing is total crap, I listen your bit about "Death Bed" and I remind myself -- even if my novel turns out to be crap, that doesn't mean it won't be publishable... Bon |
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| Posted by: Dana Plato's former neighbor @ 12:25 PM on 5.20.2008 | |
| "It's time for a refreshing glass of orange juice." | |
| Posted by: Keith Olbermann's ego @ 7:55 PM on 5.18.2008 | |
| I saw your movie "Patton" starring George C. Scott the other night. As far as I'm concerned, George C. Scott did a shitty job of portraying you. Besides, he's not short and fat. | |
| Posted by: Self Indulgent @ 3:42 PM on 5.18.2008 | |
| hey you have some pretty cool artwork on your albums and concert posters (esp. the lupo's one), I know there's not a high demand for comedian posters but if you printed some of them as posters and sold them on your website I'd at least purchase some and I'm sure others would too | |
| Posted by: Anthony Geary @ 1:48 PM on 5.15.2008 | |
| You know that midget family on TV? The Roloff family? Do you know them? If so, are they really that short? In my humble opinion, the mom has a nice ass...for a dwarf. | |
| Posted by: daniel oswalt @ 4:42 AM on 5.15.2008 | |
| whats up dude we might be related my names oswalt to whats up? |
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| Posted by: Ike @ 7:08 PM on 5.12.2008 | |
| Oswald I think you and Gary Valintine should have a sit com of your own you two were great together and very funny in the King of Queens | |
| Posted by: Gabe Kaplan @ 6:56 PM on 5.11.2008 | |
| Is it true you're doing a one man show called "Hulk Hogan's Son in Prison"? I understand there's an 8 minute scene about Hogan's son dropping the soap in the shower. | |
| Posted by: Bob Barker's wrinkled penis @ 3:26 PM on 4.30.2008 | |
| Gas is $4.00 a gallon, they're rationing rice at Costco, Bush is beating the war drums again, but who cares...I sit here in my hot tub working my suduko puzzles and watch Paula Abdul feign soberness on American Idol. | |
| Posted by: CW @ 10:54 AM on 4.30.2008 | |
| Patton, If you don't already know about it, I think you'll be into this: http://www.comicvine.com/ |
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| Posted by: Obama's Reverend looking for 15 more minutes @ 3:58 PM on 4.29.2008 | |
| Go ahead...keep reading your Archie comic books and masturbating. WE could care less. On a side note, McDonald's is test marketing a Greek Pita Pocket. I think we can all rest easier knowing that. | |
| Posted by: Gene @ 3:51 AM on 4.27.2008 | |
| Wow.. where is the "Contact Us" area with Email address or forums.. so we can send a note that Patton might read. ..sigh.. oh well. Just saw your Rat movie. Thought your performance was spot on. You need to work more in Animated features as well as maybe try dramatic work. I think you have the chops to do drama! THanks, openvegas.com/vegas/gene |
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| Posted by: Flat Jewlents @ 10:21 PM on 4.24.2008 | |
| I wish there were an easier way to do this. I cannot for the life of me figure out how to get that EP from the WFMU thing. Just bought Feeling Kinda Patton about a week or so ago. Loving it. Bought it along with George Carlin's Class Clown. Watched that video of the guy painting you... One of the single most horrifying things I have ever seen. Not that the painting is bad or that your ugly. But something about it is just scary. |
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| Posted by: mark witucke @ 3:14 AM on 4.22.2008 | |
| lunch gun - sadness bowl - oops i jes pooped mysef great material thanks p.o. |
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| Posted by: melody jenkins @ 9:37 PM on 4.20.2008 | |
| hey! proud of you, you hard working sausage fingered cockalorem! from announcements at Broad Run to debating on the Root of all Evil... I saw Greg Behrendt last night with my old man (Ryan) in KC last night. If you see him soon, tell him to tell Jeff his opening routine was solid. Wished he would have come out and hung out with us too! |
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| Posted by: Anthony Zupruder @ 2:59 PM on 4.20.2008 | |
| Patton Oswalt? Why would anyone creat a site dedicated to the guy who shot Kennedy? I think it's shameful. However, this Patton Oswalt looks differnet from the Oswalt I saw in news reels. | |
| Posted by: joe @ 10:30 PM on 4.17.2008 | |
| Patton, you gotta have a spot on you tube for Tom Carvell's ice cream commercials!! I think they're hilarious. Joe from Scranton Pa |
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| Posted by: Troy @ 1:44 PM on 4.17.2008 | |
| That was the most candid and motivational pep-rally I've ever been party to. Most of the girls on the cheer squad look eerily like you (but they tossed the pom-poms long ago. Too fem for 'em). | |
| Posted by: The festering boil on Condoleeza Rice's ass @ 10:02 AM on 4.17.2008 | |
| The rumors of Ryan Seacrest replacing Regis Philben on "The Regis and Kelly Show" reminds me of the rumors of you replacing Pat Bullard on "Card Sharks" | |
| Posted by: alex @ 2:42 AM on 4.17.2008 | |
| Please please please don't get me wrong. I love Brian, Maria, Zach and all of the other loony tunes you bring on tour with you. I really do appreciate their incredibly personal, intimate, and ultimately borderline orgasm-inducing, hysterical comedy but when are YOU (as in solo) coming back to the DC area? Again, I love those guys but when I saw your last show at the Black Cat, (through tears of laughter induced by all of you) I could not help but think " Man, it would be fucking righteous if Patton did a whole set by himself!". yet again, I love those guys and would even go see them solo but is there any possibility of you coming back to DC solo? Perhaps in 08? | |
| Posted by: Joeanna @ 4:35 PM on 4.15.2008 | |
| i had a dream we were making out. it was hot! thanx for making my life better. | |
| Posted by: The illegitimate son of Colonel Sanders @ 8:05 AM on 4.15.2008 | |
| Sure, you do jokes about KFC Bowls, but do you do material about KFC Smackers? Smacker? I nearly killed her! And, what about those moist towlettes? I don't think KFC hands those out any longer. They probably contained some sort of Chinese manufactured virus or something. "Here, wipe your hands with this Bejing Sars Towel." |
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| Posted by: A guy who met Burt Ward back in 1973 @ 9:01 PM on 4.14.2008 | |
| Patton, I'm working on a remote viewing experiment. With deep concentration, I can see you with my god given psychic powers at this very moment. Here is a description of what I see. You're wearing a Tina Yothers t-shirt, orange pants, and a welder's mask. You have a neon green yo-yo tied to your Navajo Indian belt. Also, you're wearing Aquaman slippers and it looks like you're getting ready to eat a bowl full of circus peanuts. How did I do? Was I close? Did I mention there's a hispanic midget in your apartment and he's reading the latest issue of JUGGS magazine? |
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| Posted by: Roddy McDowell's ape mask @ 4:50 PM on 4.14.2008 | |
| To the lesbian driving a blue Tracker with a pink "Breast Cancer Awareness" ribbon on the bumper who cut me off in traffic this morning..."Go fuck yourself...you tuna licker!!!" Wait...maybe the lesbian with the pink cancer awareness ribbon is actually a good, well-intending person. Jesus, what have I become? Have I no compassion for my fellow Americans? Oh well, that Hillary Clinton supporting, purple bandana wearing, Anne Murray listening, camel-toe sniffing tongue twirler can still go fuck herself!!! | |
| Posted by: Mark Devine @ 1:21 AM on 4.14.2008 | |
| I just had an idea. I think you should make an independent film about Bing Crosby and his penchant for hiring prostitutes to urinate on him. I see this as the Christmas "feel good" movie of the year. Running title, "I'm Dreaming of a Yellow Christmas" I only have one request, I'd like to play the part of Bing's handicapped son. | |
| Posted by: corpsefucker @ 8:15 AM on 4.13.2008 | |
| jesus wept.. you are a visionary! behold!! http://www.girlsandcorpses.com/index.html I HOPE you chek that out |
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| Posted by: DON GERONIMO @ 2:43 AM on 4.10.2008 | |
| Maybe you hadn't heard Don Geronimo is retiring and it's been moved up to this Fridee april 11th. supposedly, the last Don and Mike show ever it's kind of sad, makes you want to cry, makes you want to laugh | |
| Posted by: Troy Eldridge @ 12:05 PM on 4.09.2008 | |
| Love them there blurbs. Some day I hope to create a work of just enough greatness to warrant one of them. But one artist/seeker/mutant bon vivant who IS deserving is the possibly apocryphal Erik Blevins. Please share with us again the debauched, sub-tarded magic that is his screenwriting again. How many times can a stand-up bomb before the marks in the crowd are right and said comic ISN'T funny? All those who hate on you are the lickers of testes, fondlers of farm animals and are themselves pathetic douche-flushings, but try to ease up on the hippies. Sure, they are atavistic, naive, and pungent in the spring, but they were RIGHT about the compulsive nest-shitting of our society. | |
| Posted by: Mike @ 5:20 PM on 4.08.2008 | |
| Untrue that Staten Island is 100% attraction free. Where else can you see tanned, primmed guido faggots by the hundreds. |
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| Posted by: del chase @ 2:06 AM on 4.08.2008 | |
how can i start=your an ugly no talent did i say ugly hehe you suck the left and right nut of every dirty hippy or nut carrying male animal as is your fantasy you leeching no talent asshole droping you must have had someone buy your fame ticket you are soooooo unfunny please die on your 1st heart attack cause you really do suck just ask your anyone hhhhhaaaaaaaaaa |
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| Posted by: Graham @ 2:17 PM on 4.05.2008 | |
| You are great Patton! You are so above that Lewis Black show though, he's such a sell-out loser. | |
| Posted by: Benjamin @ 6:33 PM on 4.04.2008 | |
| Dear Patton! Are you planning to come to Europe someday?..or lets say.. to Germany?? It would be so great if you'd do some shows here! (I know it's rather unlikely that you will do a show in Germany, but still I'm quite sure you'd have a great time Berlin or Munich...so..pleeeaaase!!) Thank you for being clever and funny and making me laugh out loud with it! Greetings from a small town called "Huglfing" in Bavaria,yippi wippi |
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| Posted by: George W. Bush @ 9:03 AM on 4.04.2008 | |
| Oh, I dunno, I thought he was pretty funny on Leno. I have been the worst President in history, after all. | |
| Posted by: Matt Adams @ 12:42 AM on 4.04.2008 | |
| I saw you on Leno tonight and you were so unfunny I switched over to TLC to see how erasers were made. You used to be so funny before you became a bitter, angry left-wing Bush hater. So sad. |
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| Posted by: Dorothy Dickwasher @ 9:50 PM on 4.03.2008 | |
| Meh. Good efforts. How 'bout: Oh it's F-U-N! Like being interrupted by a hot & horny Brazilian women's volleyball team during "happy boner time" with a cherry jell-o vagina mold! Lotiony goodness! No. For a good time, call Shaniqua: Na Na Fo, Fo Fo Na Fo. Please come back to AZ and entertain us stupids. |
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| Posted by: Earl Warren @ 5:55 PM on 4.03.2008 | |
| Is it true that "Patton" is Hungarian for "Lee Harvey"? | |
| Posted by: Haley Joel Osment @ 5:30 PM on 4.02.2008 | |
| Hey man, people keep coming up to me and asking me to do those jokes about KFC Bowls and Black Angus, and I have no idea what the fuck they're talking about. Who the hell are you, anyway? | |
| Posted by: Brother Beavis @ 5:24 PM on 4.02.2008 | |
| Dude, why is there a portrait of the young Jerry Lewis at the top of this page? | |
| Posted by: ed @ 11:06 PM on 4.01.2008 | |
| u r the worst comic I've ever heard. I'd rather watch cspan. Find another job, this ain't your calling. | |
| Posted by: Daniel Alvarez @ 1:09 PM on 3.31.2008 | |
| The URL was cutoff (Sorry!) The place is called Crib and it's 1 mile off the lakefront in Chicago: http://www.chicagoreader.com/features/stories/restaurants/080327/ |
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| Posted by: Daniel Alvarez @ 1:06 PM on 3.31.2008 | |
| Patton! I know you're going to this restaurant: http://www.chicagoreader.com/features/stories/restaurants/080327/ You know a small part of you wants to ride on a speed boat to an exclusive restaurant run by a batshit insane bong-smoking Goose-torturing elitist culinary chef. It wouldn't surprise me if his customers were greeted by the sounds of Rick Springfield emanating from his awesome mix tape as his Asian manservant lights firecracker after firecracker like Alfred Molina in Boogie Nights. By the way, when the hell did Lake Michigan become international waters? Tonight's menu: The Most Dangerous Game. |
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| Posted by: Blaine @ 8:16 PM on 3.30.2008 | |
| Patton, I think you're hilarious and I'm going to pay you a compliment without asking for anything. |
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| Posted by: joe doe @ 3:19 PM on 3.30.2008 | |
| Patton, I saw you on the Comedy Central Roast of Flavor Flav - terrific. I write my own material and have some for you. If you like it please reply to 704-575-0418. - How about the crown Flavor was wearing? Do you know what his favorite flav is? Burger King - look atthe crown. He is 100% flame broiled. - What about Jose Conseco relapsing on the baseball steroid scandal? He has now relapsed on this more times than Scott Weiland. Two words for Jose - 12 step - Shakiras' career was in a slump but now it's back. Why the slump you ask? Her long lost mother turned up. Do you know who it is? CHARO - Is that velcro on Jeff Ross's face? Shave! - Was that Ice-T or Steven Segal? |
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| Posted by: Dan @ 12:29 PM on 3.28.2008 | |
| Hey Patton, Just wanted to say, you ARE the next Bill Hicks man. Just saw your friday gig in Melbourne, and I was mortified by the retarded interruptions from the crowd! Worse still, the hosts were actually PAINFUL to watch. (I thought they were supposed to warm the crowd up!). *Sigh* Still, you rose above, man. You rock! Dont worry about your material not translating here, either. Lets face it.. Australia may as well be called 'mini USA'. All the stuff you've released so far has shown no real cultural barriers. The majority of us have grown up with more U.S. tv shows & brand names than we have Australian ones! Anyway, just had to say we love your work dude. And hey, maybe one day some of us may even pass 'the test of the small town' (or country!) Look forward to your saturday gig.. And hey, if you're bored doing the usual 'tourist' stuff, e-mail me and I'll tell you where the best comic shops are ;-) |
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| Posted by: That one writer at that particular website @ 3:38 AM on 3.27.2008 | |
| Hey Patton. I'm wondering if you'd take a look at my website and consider doing an interview. I think Dave was going to have you look at it- but I know you guys are so busy- I thought I'd pop in here and bug you. Thanks! |
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| Posted by: Robert @ 4:30 AM on 3.25.2008 | |
| COme to Sydney when you come to Melbourne!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! | |
| Posted by: U.J. Lessing @ 7:58 AM on 3.24.2008 | |
| I have seen the future of blurb writing, and it's Patton Oswalt. | |
| Posted by: Graham @ 10:16 PM on 3.22.2008 | |
| Come back to Athens, GA immediately. Please. The roads aren't paved with Marijuana anymore and we need your help. | |
| Posted by: Danny @ 11:34 AM on 3.22.2008 | |
| I love your work and consider a genius! A literal abacus wielding genius! Literally! I've seen your show live and you rocked the house. You need to come back to Austin and soon. |
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| Posted by: Aaron Knowles @ 8:13 AM on 3.22.2008 | |
| Dear Patton, Would you quit all of your jobs and become not fanous so that you can move to rural maine and we can go to dark, smoke filled bars that smell of loggers and you will be my funny friend who I drink with. I kind of need that in my life right now. Thanks, Aaron |
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| Posted by: Les @ 2:56 AM on 3.20.2008 | |
| That video rocked!!!! The web link under the video doesn't work though, and it is different than the website in the beginning of the video. Come back and visit Hollywood for some brand new battered chapped skin diseases!!! |
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| Posted by: Shelley @ 4:14 PM on 3.18.2008 | |
| you freaken rule - cannot wait to see you perform live and i promise not to yell out YEAAAHHHH during the quiet buildups! ;) | |
| Posted by: Hal @ 1:54 PM on 3.18.2008 | |
| How about: "Heather Mills will rot in hell - and this book is okay" the CD still rules!!!!!! |
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| Posted by: exacerb8ted @ 8:00 PM on 3.17.2008 | |
| You are one of the funniest people alive! When you come back to the states, please come to Louisiana Tech University!!! | |
| Posted by: Jeffrey @ 6:07 PM on 3.17.2008 | |
| Are you going to The Arch Campbell Variety Show at the Drafthouse? http://www.arlingtondrafthouse.com/default.aspx?page=event&eid=602&refcd=NEWSLT |
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