SPEW

I hate those lists that look back at the year, and arbitrarily pick the “5 best” of everything.

Why not look forward, instead? Here’s what’s going to blow your mind this coming year:

BOOKS

History: A History
Glenn Glelbglehn
A chronicle of the start of the recording of history, to the first history to actually be recorded, and an analysis of that record. Plus, a look forward as the recording of the present when, in the future, it becomes historical record.

Grimble!
Hank Leftis
Can an adorable guinea pig brighten up a gruff, divorced dad’s life? Does your grandmother have cunt lips that could clog a wood chipper?

Pumpkin Latte? I Don’t Think So
Denis Leary
Denis’ in-your-face, take-no-prisoners, no-holds-barred, quickly-dashed-off rant about how cool and dangerous yet lovable he is.

Warriors of the Spider-Jewel XIX: Cry of the Death-Wind
G. Pheldon Blampleworth
I know this pick is going to generate a lot of controversy. But the newest chapter in the Chronicles of the Over-Earth is great because it’s so devoid of action. Blampleworth took a major risk here – and succeeded. Set inside the digestive tract of a giant shudder-worm as it slowly digests the sentient Crystal of Visions, this is a stream-of-consciousness tour de force worthy of Joyce. And did anyone catch the snippets of the Haff-gar Chant before the Crystal is turned into feces? That’s right, Lord Shalaak is about to escape from the Razor Realm! Can you stand the suspense? Hurry up, Blampleworth! Volume 20 can’t come soon enough!

Jocularity!
William Christopher
A loving, laughing look back at the actor’s years on M*A*S*H. Includes a new perspective on “The Ogden Stiers Gravy Incident”.

MOVIES

Schlub
Phillip Seymour Hoffman creates his most compelling everyman yet in this touching, complex character study of a utilities repairman who falls in love with a shut-in poetess with circulatory problems.

Schlump
Paul Giamatti evokes the pathos and heartbreak in the daily life of a meek drugstore clerk who falls in love with a female sculptor with scabies.

Soupcon of Acrimony
The latest James Bond movie has him foiling a plot to slightly increase beet revenues in the Benelux nations.

Life Coach
Clint Eastwood. Jamie Kennedy. A talking, CGI scrotum. ‘Nuff said.

Schlubby & Schlumpy Go Koo-Koo Bananas
Hoffman and Giamatti are hilarious in this tropical romp, with Kathy Griffin and Manute Bol!

MOVIE QUOTES

“You just ate her!”
James Brolin to Shelly Hack in the surprise ending to Cannibal Seder

“You play the piano like God peeing in the snow. Take my hand, I need to tell you something about our daughter.”
Greg Kinnear to Sandra Bullock in The House Was Quiet

“Bluuuuurrrrrccccccgh!!!”
Dame Judi Dench in Puke Race

“Me want see Grand Canyon!”
Javier Bardem in Frankenstein Meets The Bucket List

“It has been the greatest honor of my life to have stood against such a fine field of competitors, and I only hope, someday, to embrace this memory as Yaaarrrbbbbbbbbbllllguuuuh!”
Sir Ian McKellen in Puke Race

ALBUMS

I Also Fingered a Girl in a Kiddie Pool of Wesson Oil
Katy Perry
In another collection of songs written for her by the editors of MAXIM Magazine, Katy Perry tries to stretch five minutes of titillation into a careers-worth of relevancy.

Night Grooves
Fugazi
Ian McKaye shocked his fans with this catchy, can’t-stay-in-your-seat collection of dance tunes. Includes “Shimming the Beat”, “Dew-It Witchu” and “Positive Power Slide”

Gimme Dat
2-Fly
The Wyoming rap corridor finally found its Dr. Dre.

Go Get ‘Em, President Smokey
Toby Keith
Toby’s misguided tribute to our new incoming president effectively ended his career, but what a way to go!

A Very Metal Arbor Day
Mastodon, Anthrax and 13 other bands remind everyone to plant a tree and worship Satan.

LIVE CONCERT MOMENTS

Kanye West’s 800-foot sculpture of his head, made entirely of butter

Billy Joel sitting in with Lamb of God for two songs, then leaping into the pit

Metallica’s on-stage watercolor therapy session

Anne Murray’s stem cell rant

Amy Winehouse not dying