I have DNA evidence that the turkey pardoned yesterday by @BarackObama is a triple murderer. cc: @FoxNews
I was a clue on @Jeopardy this week and it was pretty embarrassing: https://t.co/JDsW82jAbw
@RandyScottESPN @MikeOMearaShow Broad Run. Solid research, professional journalist. It's on Wikipedia fer chrissakes.
.@iamdmann @TheBigIrony Wrong movie. Go deeper.
.@TheBigIrony Huh! I feel like I've been handcuffed to a park bench by Mercedes Ruehl!

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Werewolves and Lollipops


"Thanks so much for coming out. I'm drunk, here we go!" Thus begins your magical date with the enchanting, beguiling, and utterly demented Patton Oswalt. Stand Up! Records is pleased as punch to bring you "Werewolves and Lollipops," now out on a limited-edition of five hundred vinyl LP, each shining jewel of comedic genius all polished up for your pure listening enjoyment.

Look, you already know that Patton Oswalt's awesome. His resume's amazingly impressive, boasting hundreds of stand up performances, a couple dozen movies (hell, he voiced the lead in a damn Oscar winner!), and television glory. He has literally tens of fans. We don't need to sell you on Patton. So, instead, we're going to whet your appetite with some choice phrases, fresh from the elfin filth-monger's very lips!

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