A “comedian” named Nick Madson is doing huge chunks of my act. Here he is this past Wednesday, April 27th, at The Harrison Hilltop in Davenport, Iowa. In this first, delightful excerpt, he recites my bits, “KFC Famous Bowls”, “A Man...

A young fan named Joshua Levesque wrote me last year, saying he wanted to get a tattoo of my George Lucas bit. I tried to dissuade him -- getting permanent ink of one of my jokes is like tattooing the...

THESE PHRASES AREN'T INVITED TO 2010 Wow. A new decade. Yes, I know, technically, 2011 is the new decade, but guess what? NO ONE CARES. Okay, here are four phrases -- and the concepts they represent -- that I'd like to leave...

Jason Statham has never been in a great movie. He's also never been in a boring one. Statham's imdb.com profile, collectively, is a promise to you, the weary filmgoer. It's a promise that says, "I promise that you will not FOR ONE...

I hate those lists that look back at the year, and arbitrarily pick the “5 best” of everything. Why not look forward, instead? Here’s what’s going to blow your mind this coming year: BOOKS History: A History Glenn Glelbglehn A chronicle of the start of...

There's a floating, secret society of movies that includes such illustrious titles as RUNNING SCARED (the Paul Walker version, not the Hines-Crystal-Smits one), ANACONDA, and the immortal, why-hasn't-Criterion-done-a-release DEEP BLUE SEA. These are the kinds of movies where, while you're watching...

  Stop asking me how I'm doing. I'm doing fucking great. "How're you going to do comedy with Obama in the White House? How're you going to make jokes about him? Is the state of comedy going to change? Are you worried,...

I'm fascinated by John McCain. Forty years from now, some future James Ellroy (or Ellroy himself, if we can find a way to remove his head and attach it to an indestructible writer-bot) will write a "Millennium Trilogy", covering the Clintons,...

Between March 5th and today I spent a total of 20 days in Staten Island, NY. FOUR separate times, while driving around late at night or, more often as not, when the dawn was breaking, I saw something weird through apartment...

Here's the actual speech I gave at my old high school on June 18th. Well, more or less. There were some extra, last-minute thoughts I threw in there. I think the core idea of what I was trying to say...