I’ve been assaulted with Top 5 lists these past few weeks — books, movies, music, everything.

Am I totally out of touch with the mainstream?  Here were my favorites for 2007:



Warriors of the Spider-Jewel XVIII:  The Wizard’s Claw
G. Pheldon Blampleworth
Well, duh.  Anyone who knows me probably guessed this would be first on my list.   But I never dreamed this chapter in the ongoing Chronicles of the Over-Earth would be so touching.  Grunthmarr’s speech before the unleashing of the Murder-Beast had me choking up, and to see the flirtation between Vaulney and Thethwaeiss finally come to fruition in the Screaming Crypt…well, it made me believe in love again.   If only the Dirt Trolls would stop their night-raping (yeah, right!)Talking Sense Over You
Glenn Beck
Finally, someone’s yelling the truth.

A Vague Sense of Something
Giaan Lochnar
A sprawling, 2,002 page romance built from memory, regret, half-truths, half-remembered subtle gestures and unspoken possibilities.   I only got 5 pages into it, but the way my forearms ached from holding it tells me it’s important.  Somehow.

Chronicles, Volume 2
Wayne Newton
Wayne continues to reveal what’s behind his inscrutable public “persona”, and one of the most mysterious, argued-about singer-songwriters of our generation comes a little more into focus.  A perfect companion to Todd Hayne’s multi-viewpoint film, I’m Not Bill Bailey.

Cormac McCarthy
A terse, adjective-free tale of murder, revenge, regret and then way more murder.    Adam Sandler and Tyler Perry’s adaptation is the film I’m most looking forward to in 2008.



Lite Bright: The Movie
The game we all loved as children became the movie we were all talking about as adults.   Plus, it’s Warren Beatty’s best performance since McCabe & Mrs. Miller.Seriously, Are You People Retarded?
Michael Moore’s bold new documentary — a one-hour refresher course on the Bush presidency, and then Tila Tequila reading the procedures for impeachment.

Bottom’s Up!
Sony Animation left Pixar and Dreamworks in the dust this summer, with their stunning tale of a broccoli fart trying to out-loud an evil burrito fart.   Great use of the song “Classical Gas”.

Kung-Fu Hooker Car-Crash Vampire Hit-Bitches in WWII
Quenton Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez served up the slickest, most subversive and flat-out entertaining 4 1/2 hour fun-fest of 2007 with this collaboration.   With an amazing drag performance by Robert Quarry, and a timely environmental message.

The Nostril and Pores
Japanese horror movies have never been re-made for American audiences with as much artistry and skill, and they both star a Gilmore Girl!



“My leg is on fire with the need to build this house.”
Susan Sarandon in Planks

“Thank you for making me cry tears of becoming happier.”
Kristen Bell in Tears of Becoming Happier

“Fight!  Fight like the faggots you’re proud to be!”
Kurt Russell in College Republicans

“Then I guess I’m all out of, ‘Please fist me, Mr. Einstein”
Sarah Silverman in Einstein’s Concubine

A computer-generated John Geilgud in Metal-Warriors of Blood Planet Alpha


Snuggle Full of Comfy   Anthrax
A bold break from their fanbase, but Anthrax laid waste to the easy listening charts with this caramel-scented, quilt-y collection of rainy day ditties.   “Lucifer’s Hammock” managed to be featured on One Tree Hill and Cold Case in the same week.Fuck My Rape   Anne Murray
Well, one Canadian songstress was NOT happy about Anthrax’s easy-listening invasion, and cut this masterpiece in a meth-fueled, 17-hour rage.   Who knew the writer of “Snowbird” and “Upon a Pedestal” would become the heir of GG Allin and Throbbing Gristle?

Remembrance: The Amy Winehouse Box
Yes, it’s ghoulish and exploitative, but you’ve got to give Island Records credit for embracing reality and preparing for the inevitable.

Pig Bladder and a Trundle Bed    Kanye West
West’s genius new rap album, a 14-song cycle based on the Laura Ingalls Wilder books, was a bold gamble that paid off huge dividends.   “Pemmican Girl” was the king of the summer crunk.

Bleep    Blip Blorp
These Scandinavian noise-painters showed us that the E flat tone could be a symphony, even on a six-hour, single-song album.